2: How Goeth the Editing? It Goeth.

Despite what is pictured, I am not suffocating under the weight of my own hubris. What I have found though, is that editing is hard.  

As non-revolutionary as this may seem, I was pretty taken aback by how much trouble I’m having.  The struggle is coming from a few different zones.

Zone 1: Lack of confidence

I don’t have a ton of editing experience.  It’s not that it’s my first rodeo, it’s just that the rodeos I’m accustomed to are more akin to trying to stay on a particularly sleepy horse than a bull who just wants to go home to his wife.

I’ve red penned my way through plenty of poems, short stories, chapters— never anything this long, all at once, with the intention of having it be readable to… other people.

So this lack of experience has me doubting a lot of the changes I’m making. It also has me looking at a bunch of online editing courses, then taking said courses, then spending the time taking said courses not editing.  It’s definitely the most productive form of procrastination I’ve practiced, but still procrastination. One of the reasons I feel the need to procrastinate?  

Zone 2: Boredom.

Here’s one of my more major concerns— how often I’ve been bored throughout this process.  If I’m bored reading it, there’s no way someone that didn’t write it is going to have a better time.  The upside to this being that it makes cutting scenes— something I would’ve expected to be pretty devastating— a lot easier. Needless to say Zone 2 exacerbates my Zone 1 confidence deficit quite a bit. And these two factors started hooking up and have now spawned their Zone 3 The Feeaaaaaaaaarrr baby—

I already had this, not going to blame Zones 1 and 2 or pass any judgment on their relationship. But all of this not feeling so good about my putting of the words together and the way I want to change them around sometimes has made me that much more scared of letting anyone see the novel.  That much more scared that I shouldn’t even be writing novels.

Half-way through the week I asked my partner, “Should I change the goal? Maybe give myself more time?” And he looked at me and said, “Do you not think you can do it?”

Woah.

Have you ever been asked a better question? 

Apparently he had had similar doubts about a project he was taking on in undergrad. When he asked his professor if he should cut it down some, she asked him,

“Do you not think you can do it?”

So he did it.

Because how can you not with that in your ear?

I want to tie that question’s shoes together and drop it in the middle of a banana peel factory. 

That question asks you if you’re tired just because you’re not wearing makeup.

That question introduces itself to you even though you’ve met it like a hundred times.

That question doesn’t use its blinker to change lanes into a turn only lane, but then uses the blinker when they’re turning in the turn only lane!

Don’t ask me if I can do it, because then all I can think about are the reasons I can’t. Ask me if I can’t do it so that I’ll want to do it so hard I make “can’t” change schools.

So that is how it’s going. Will put up another update next Monday, signing off with great purpose and intention!

P.S.

As a sort of side note, I’ve had a few people tell me they considered sending my book into an editor more of a macrorisk than a microrisk, and where I appreciate what it is they’re really saying— that this is a significant step I’m taking for myself, and very scary— I do disagree and thought it might be a good idea to explain why.  

Emotionally, the risk here feels huge.  But when I distinguish between levels of risk in my brain, it tends to trend more towards Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs.  For anyone that isn’t familiar with this concept, it’s like a food pyramid of mental contentment. The bottom is having everything we need to physically survive, like food and water, moving up to our safety because of how we like to not be in danger, then goes to love and belonging, esteem like yay I feel good about myself and self actualization which you can tell me about when you get there.

What makes what I’m doing less risky is that it’s not going to impact these base level needs.  It won’t impact my livelihood since I can keep my job and it costs me no money (the editor will cost me some, but it’s a one time cost that won’t affect my ability to pay my bills). My physical self will always be safe. The worst that can happen is that my feelings will get hurt. While I don’t want to minimize the value of our feelings, this kind of rejection is recoverable. So for all of you that see this as a crazy chance I’m taking, thank you for understanding the vulnerability, but let’s save macro for the people risking it all— we are rooting for you brave people!